Missing Dialogue from Leonard Nimoy’s I Am Spock
as imagined by Jonathan Caws-Elwitt

NIMOY: I’m thinking of introducing a bit of comedy into the act.

SPOCK: As a Vulcan, I cannot comprehend the human emotions which produce comedy.

NIMOY: But you’re only half-Vulcan! Your human side must like a good joke as much as the next guy.

SPOCK [raising an eyebrow]: I have no data on the life-form you describe as “the next guy.”

NIMOY: Come on, Spock, I know you can appreciate a good joke—like “I just flew in from Rijel 173, and boy are my arms tired!”

SPOCK: I thought you said a good joke.


NIMOY: Spock, I think you’re becoming more emotional .

SPOCK: More emotional than what?

NIMOY: Man, you are such a smartass.

SPOCK: I fail to comprehend your reference to the intelligence of my posterior.

NIMOY: Okay, skip it.

SPOCK: Whatever you say, Bubba.

NIMOY: See! You are becoming more emotional!

SPOCK: You conclude this merely because I said “Bubba”?

NIMOY: Well, not exactly. It’s the way you said it.

SPOCK: That is a vague and inadequate explanation.

NIMOY: Oh, you make me so cross I could just spit!

SPOCK: Now who’s getting more emotional?


NIMOY: How do you feel about meeting the cast of STTNG?

SPOCK: As you force me to keep repeating, I do not have feelings.

NIMOY: All right, already. So what do you think about meeting them?

SPOCK: It would not be logical for me to evaluate an event which has not yet occurred.

NIMOY: But you must have formed some opinions about them.

SPOCK: Must I? I endeavor to base my judgments only on facts. What you humans call “opinions” are merely facts that have been obscured and adulterated by emotions.

NIMOY: You can’t fool me. Why don’t you just come right out and admit that you’re jealous of the STTNG cast?

SPOCK: Again you attribute to me a human emotion which I am incapable of experiencing. It would be particularly illogical for me to be jealous of such a pathetic assortment of talentless upstarts who have the audacity to trade on our name and rob us of our fan base.

NIMOY: I knew it.

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Copyright © Jonathan Caws-Elwitt. This page revised February 13, 2009.