Missing Dialogue from Leonard Nimoy’s I Am Spock
as imagined by Jonathan Caws-Elwitt
NIMOY: I’m thinking of introducing a bit of comedy into the act.
SPOCK: As a Vulcan, I cannot comprehend the human emotions which produce comedy.
NIMOY: But you’re only half-Vulcan! Your human side must like a good joke as much as the next guy.
SPOCK [raising an eyebrow]: I have no data on the life-form you describe as “the next guy.”
NIMOY: Come on, Spock, I know you can appreciate a good joke—like “I just flew in from Rijel 173, and boy are my arms tired!”
SPOCK: I thought you said a good joke.
NIMOY: Spock, I think you’re becoming more emotional .
SPOCK: More emotional than what?
NIMOY: Man, you are such a smartass.
SPOCK: I fail to comprehend your reference to the intelligence of my posterior.
NIMOY: Okay, skip it.
SPOCK: Whatever you say, Bubba.
NIMOY: See! You are becoming more emotional!
SPOCK: You conclude this merely because I said “Bubba”?
NIMOY: Well, not exactly. It’s the way you said it.
SPOCK: That is a vague and inadequate explanation.
NIMOY: Oh, you make me so cross I could just spit!
SPOCK: Now who’s getting more emotional?
NIMOY: How do you feel about meeting the cast of STTNG?
SPOCK: As you force me to keep repeating, I do not have feelings.
NIMOY: All right, already. So what do you think about meeting them?
SPOCK: It would not be logical for me to evaluate an event which has not yet occurred.
NIMOY: But you must have formed some opinions about them.
SPOCK: Must I? I endeavor to base my judgments only on facts. What you humans call “opinions” are merely facts that have been obscured and adulterated by emotions.
NIMOY: You can’t fool me. Why don’t you just come right out and admit that you’re jealous of the STTNG cast?
SPOCK: Again you attribute to me a human emotion which I am incapable of experiencing. It would be particularly illogical for me to be jealous of such a pathetic assortment of talentless upstarts who have the audacity to trade on our name and rob us of our fan base.
NIMOY: I knew it.
Back to Monkeys 1, Typewriters 0 contents.
Copyright © Jonathan Caws-Elwitt. This page revised February 13, 2009.