BURBANK, CALIFORNIA -- A class action lawsuit was filed today on behalf of close to 100,000 adolescent boys of the 1970s era, who believe that they were cheated by a rock and roll album called Agents of Fortune.

Todd Epstein, a prominent Southern California attorney who spent his teen years "crankin' tunes," contends that young listeners who purchased the Blue Oyster Cult record in the hopes of obtaining forty minutes of catchy music similar to the album’s hit single "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" were misled into an unwise purchase.

"The rest of that album sounds nothing like 'Reaper,'" Epstein told reporters this morning. "[Record label] Columbia knew that damn well, and they should never have foisted the LP on an unsuspecting public without some kind of warning."

Epstein's staff has "mocked up" an alternative version of the album cover as the lawyer thinks it should have been released.

Despite the artistically controversial use of parentheses in its title, "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" received heavy radio airplay for years following its 1976 release.

The album it appeared on was purchased overwhelmingly by teenage boys, both when it was new and throughout the remainder of the decade. "We thought we were onto a good thing," says Epstein. "What a disappointment."

album cover


BURBANK, CALIFORNIA -- California judge and former headbanger Larry Cronin today ruled against a class action lawsuit on behalf of consumers who purchased the Blue Oyster Cult album Agents of Fortune.

After hearing testimony from both the lawyer representing the plaintiffs and the team of attorneys retained by the corporation that holds Columbia Records, Cronin promptly found in favor of the record company.

"Cult was an effin' awesome band, and that album--and I mean the album--rocks," read the judge's comments. "Who cares about 'Reaper,' anyway? I guess it's all right if you wanna make out or something. But if you're too wimpy to appreciate a great rock album when you have the privilege of owning it, then stick with your lameass Top 40 radio and get the hell out of my court."

Back to Monkeys 1, Typewriters 0 contents.
Copyright © Jonathan Caws-Elwitt. This page revised February 21, 2009.