[All content by Jonathan Caws-Elwitt. All rights reserved.]
Q. Happy Monday!
A. Thanks. But you know, this is Wednesday. I'm fresh out of Mondays. I am expecting one in next week, though.
Q. Okay, cool. Will you hold it for me?
A. Sure—but I can only hold it through Tuesday, okay?
Q: How did the two rubber duckies and the two rubber chickens spend their evening together?
A: They played a rubber of bridge.
Q: What’s black and white and green?
A: Ansel Adams eating a pickle.
Q. What’s green and comes with a magnifying glass?
A. The Oxford English Gherkin.
Q. May I take this piece of fruit?
A. Persimmon granted.
Q. Why did the art buff wish to rummage through the filing cabinet at the photocopy center?
A. Because he wanted to view the old masters.
Q. And, after all, is not eating well what the culinary arts are all about?
A. Yes, it is.
Q. That was actually a rhetorical question. Aren’t you supposed to be on break?
Q. How much does this clock run?
A. Twenty-four hours.
Q. Why is an urban legend like an aggressive volleyball player?
A. Because they're both all over the net.
Q. Did you hear about the orange course that was overenrolled?
A. Yeah, they had to add two more sections.
Q. What do you call complimentary french fries?
A. Potatoes au gratis.
Q. What do they serve at a comedian’s banquet?
A. Chicken Alan King.
Q. Why did the temp turn down the offer of a permanent position?
A. Because he didn’t think he’d look good with curly hair.
Q. Why did the model get a perm before visiting the library?
A. Because she wanted to curl up with a good book.
Q. What did one shadow puppet say to the other?
A. Let’s have a show of hands.
Q. What does an English dramatist use to lather his beard?
A. Shavian cream.
Q. When should I take my vacation?
A. [Sotto voce] Hey—what are you doing? We didn’t rehearse this one. I don’t do ad lib! [Aloud] Uhh ... you ... should ... take your vacation ... in the ... in the spring, because ... because ... uh ...
Q. Did you hear about the two musicians who fell in love during a waltz?
A. Yes—they cut their working hours back to three-quarter time, and before you know it they had triplets.
Q. What kind of eye makeup should you wear off the coast of Africa?
Q. How do you make a classical musician laugh?
A. Write “with laughter” in Italian on the score.
Q. How do you make him laugh harder?
A. Write “with soft laughter” in Italian on the score.
A. Knock knock.
Q. Who’s there?
A. Objective case.
Q. Objective case who?
A. No, objective case whom.
Q. Why didn’t the Atlantic connect to the Pacific?
A. Because of a miscanalculation.
Q. Who taught the Londoner how to ride a motorcycle down the thoroughfare?
A. A Harley street specialist.
Q. What do you call an urban elf?
A. A metrognome.
Q. What flowering plant is the favorite of the Everly Brothers?
A. The phildondendron.
Q. What did the mathematician say to .0001, when they met up in Phoenix?
A. You’re a hot little number.
Q. Do you wear hats?
A. No, only one at a time.
Q. What did the carpenter say when invited into the cabinet makers’ union?
A. Thanks, but I’m not really a joiner.
Q. Which dinosaur was edited out of the paleontology guide?
A. The pte-redactyl.
Q. Why was the Londoner staring at the streamline building?
A. She was just taking a deco.
Q. How can you recognize the sound of Richard Wagner’s cell phone?
A. It’s the only one with the ring of the Nibelung.
Q. Why isn’t that diminutive pastry chef still employed at the corner bakery?
A. Because of the high turnover.
Q. What did the tenor say to the soprano?
A. Stop calling me shrilly.
Q. What do you call a grits-eating precursor of humankind?
A. A hominyd.
Q. Why did the pastry chef stay in for the evening?
A. Because he couldn’t get a sifter.
Q. Which author does temporary roofing?
A. William Makeshift Thatchery.
Q. [British] What's the best place to store enchiladas?
A. [British] In the enchilarder.
Q. What did Beethoven call his teddy bear?
A. Fur Elise.
Q. What did one editing-nerd ghost say to the other editing-nerd ghost?
A. “Boo.” Those are scare quotes, of course.
Q. How can you tell there’s been a ghost in the verso?
A. Recto plasm.
Q. What did the florist do upon losing his long-standing contract to provide wedding centerpieces?
A. He made other arrangements.
Q. What discipline specializes in things like aging?
Q. What do you get when you cross a horse with a bull?
A. An equinox.
Q: Have run out of material. Please send some ASAP.
A: Sorry, am all out of ASAP. (We use it up quickly.)
Q. Do we appear again on this page?
B. I hope not—I already took off my costume.
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Copyright © Jonathan Caws-Elwitt. This page revised May 14, 2013.