(*If you even believe that there IS such a department.)

Pick a number between 1 and 100, or a number that’s friends with such a number.

Multiply it by the number of pushpins you possessed on your last birthday.

Throw this number away (it’s recyclable).

Now, enter the 5-digit PANTONE code for your favorite color.

Subtract from this the number of letters in the NAME this color would be given by a manufacturer of telephones, IF they made a phone in this color.

Pick up this telephone and call someone you went to high school with whom you last saw wearing a fair isle sweater and/or a houndstooth baseball cap.

Ask your friend to guess the number of skips in your great-uncle’s favorite Rudy Vallee 78.

Divide this number by any non-zero non-number, and memorize the result.

Write an infinity sign on your kitchen wall in squirting mustard.

Turn your kitchen sideways.

Is your number 8?

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Copyright © Jonathan Caws-Elwitt. This page revised February 13, 2009.